[It comes as a surprise to Eponine that that emotion is suggested. Perhaps she is angry? Maybe she's always been angry? Eponine doesn't know.]
I'm... sad? Tired? I am, Miss. Tired. I am so tired of fighting. But what does it matter whether I am tired or not? Everything is a fight, a battle. Everything is hateful, for I hate myself. But you know?
[She shifts, curling her legs under her on the sofa.]
What is worse is knowing that you ain't good enough, that you will never be good enough. And Miss, I am so, so tired of not being good enough for no one.
There is anger. It's that you see everything as a fight. Not everyone is an adversary. Some can be kind.
[She really wants Eponine to see that. It would be a step, a big step.]
I know do, I know you are. I've seen how tired you are, but I can't help you until you want it.
[She pressed her fingers to her temples, feeling a bit of pressure.]
You can be good enough for someone and it will matter more than being good enough for anyone else. Eponine, you are always looking outward when you should be looking inward. You hate yourself, but you don't have to.
Because everything has always been a fight. Everything, from where we sleep to what we eat to how I dress. Always, always there has been a big fight. And here?
[Eponine shrugs miserably.] As soon as I come, I am not good enough. They tattoo me the ugly line, which is bad enough. But you know Mr. Roman? He tells me 'ew', that he has to fix my teeth and my face and my hair and my clothes. Miss Blair says I have no sense of clothes, and she is rude. Kate and Daphne think I am dreadful for a life I have lived - a life I have been forced to live. As if I would choose it! No! And Mr Greyson, he wants me changed too.And he shouts that I don't.
[She bites her lip.] Mr Greyson might like me if I change. Blair might like me if I am like her. Roman would have me when I'm pretty. And Miss Kate would perhaps like me if I could keep my mouth closed. Don't you see? Everyone wants me changed. No one likes just me. They like me when I am different.
[She has nothing to say about the fight. She understands that and it seems it's deeply ingrained in her, which is a pity. It isn't easy to change and she isn't sure that's something she has a right to approach.]
I know that upsets you. [Which is fair in regards to some.] I think that some are genuine in the wish to help you. I know that you sometimes express a wish to be similar, so they are acting on that.
If it doesn't make you happy, break away.
That's my point, Eponine. If you like yourself first and care more for liking yourself, others will respond to you differently.
He didn’t even give me a chance before he wants me changed. He let me think I loved him and he loves me.
[Eponine’s fingers go to her neck, to where Greyson has been biting.]
He hates me. He hates me because I can’t do it. He loves beautiful women, not me. Me, I find myself another toy for a man to play.
[Eponine sighs]
I don’t know how to like myself. It is hard, you know? When you’ve been called scum and bitch and cunt as long as you remember. When you’ve been beaten and ignored and forgotten and hurt for so long. How can I love myself when all I see is a lying, ugly cunt?
It takes time, unfortunately. It's not something that will come easy and there will be times that you feel as if you're not getting anywhere. You have to keep trying until eventually, the idea of loving yourself becomes more natural.
[This place wasn't going to make it easier, since Eponine wanted to be loved and the basic nature of this place was encounters without feelings.]
I think you are capable of change, but only change that you want.
[There's so much fear in Eponine's voice. She knows how much she's messed up but she doesn't really understand why Greyson was so cross with her. She knows she must change but she honestly doesn't understand how. She wants to make choices but every choice she's ever made of her own free will has been the wrong one. Eponine wants so desperately to fit in that she's actually scared of making mistakes and getting it wrong again.]
I don't know how to turn off the voices. They are so loud, Ma'am. I'm not being difficult, truly I don't mean to be, Ma'am, but I don't know how. I don't know none of this. What if I'm wrong? What if I make the wrong decision? Ma'am, I don't know how to do what you ask. Please don't be cross with me. I'm sorry, so, so sorry Ma'am. I don't mean to be bad. I am sorry.
That's not really uncommon. It takes awhile for us to know what we want.
[Fear had to be faced, though it was easier to say that than actually manage. It sometimes took the worst happening to remove fear, not something she was sure should happen to Eponine. She was already at her lowest. This was progress.]
You're not bad for feeling this way, Eponine. That's a natural response. You're going to make mistakes and choose wrong, but it's what you do afterwards that matters. If you keep trying, even after the mistake, you'll be the better for it.
[She could tell Kosem about the mistake she’s quite sure she’s making in blackmailing Kate or in stealing Daphne’s jewels… but she can’t. She knows Kosem will be furious with her. Her dominant might even march her off to the People Zoo herself, a fate Eponine would hate.]
I don’t know what to do, Ma’am. I don’t even know how to find something nice about myself, you know?
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no subject
[It comes as a surprise to Eponine that that emotion is suggested. Perhaps she is angry? Maybe she's always been angry? Eponine doesn't know.]
I'm... sad? Tired? I am, Miss. Tired. I am so tired of fighting. But what does it matter whether I am tired or not? Everything is a fight, a battle. Everything is hateful, for I hate myself. But you know?
[She shifts, curling her legs under her on the sofa.]
What is worse is knowing that you ain't good enough, that you will never be good enough. And Miss, I am so, so tired of not being good enough for no one.
no subject
[She really wants Eponine to see that. It would be a step, a big step.]
I know do, I know you are. I've seen how tired you are, but I can't help you until you want it.
[She pressed her fingers to her temples, feeling a bit of pressure.]
You can be good enough for someone and it will matter more than being good enough for anyone else. Eponine, you are always looking outward when you should be looking inward. You hate yourself, but you don't have to.
no subject
[Eponine shrugs miserably.] As soon as I come, I am not good enough. They tattoo me the ugly line, which is bad enough. But you know Mr. Roman? He tells me 'ew', that he has to fix my teeth and my face and my hair and my clothes. Miss Blair says I have no sense of clothes, and she is rude. Kate and Daphne think I am dreadful for a life I have lived - a life I have been forced to live. As if I would choose it! No! And Mr Greyson, he wants me changed too.And he shouts that I don't.
[She bites her lip.] Mr Greyson might like me if I change. Blair might like me if I am like her. Roman would have me when I'm pretty. And Miss Kate would perhaps like me if I could keep my mouth closed. Don't you see? Everyone wants me changed. No one likes just me. They like me when I am different.
no subject
I know that upsets you. [Which is fair in regards to some.] I think that some are genuine in the wish to help you. I know that you sometimes express a wish to be similar, so they are acting on that.
If it doesn't make you happy, break away.
That's my point, Eponine. If you like yourself first and care more for liking yourself, others will respond to you differently.
no subject
[Eponine’s fingers go to her neck, to where Greyson has been biting.]
He hates me. He hates me because I can’t do it. He loves beautiful women, not me. Me, I find myself another toy for a man to play.
[Eponine sighs]
I don’t know how to like myself. It is hard, you know? When you’ve been called scum and bitch and cunt as long as you remember. When you’ve been beaten and ignored and forgotten and hurt for so long. How can I love myself when all I see is a lying, ugly cunt?
no subject
[This place wasn't going to make it easier, since Eponine wanted to be loved and the basic nature of this place was encounters without feelings.]
I think you are capable of change, but only change that you want.
no subject
[Eponine feels so lost and small and insignificant. Love - real love, and not just fairytales and stories - is a completely foreign concept to her.]
What does it feel like, Kosem? Real love and not pretending? What is it like?
no subject
[It was hard to put to words what love felt like, but it was a start.]
I'll help you, however I can. You decide what you want, that's important.
no subject
[There's so much fear in Eponine's voice. She knows how much she's messed up but she doesn't really understand why Greyson was so cross with her. She knows she must change but she honestly doesn't understand how. She wants to make choices but every choice she's ever made of her own free will has been the wrong one. Eponine wants so desperately to fit in that she's actually scared of making mistakes and getting it wrong again.]
I don't know how to turn off the voices. They are so loud, Ma'am. I'm not being difficult, truly I don't mean to be, Ma'am, but I don't know how. I don't know none of this. What if I'm wrong? What if I make the wrong decision? Ma'am, I don't know how to do what you ask. Please don't be cross with me. I'm sorry, so, so sorry Ma'am. I don't mean to be bad. I am sorry.
no subject
[Fear had to be faced, though it was easier to say that than actually manage. It sometimes took the worst happening to remove fear, not something she was sure should happen to Eponine. She was already at her lowest. This was progress.]
You're not bad for feeling this way, Eponine. That's a natural response. You're going to make mistakes and choose wrong, but it's what you do afterwards that matters. If you keep trying, even after the mistake, you'll be the better for it.
I've made my own.
no subject
[She could tell Kosem about the mistake she’s quite sure she’s making in blackmailing Kate or in stealing Daphne’s jewels… but she can’t. She knows Kosem will be furious with her. Her dominant might even march her off to the People Zoo herself, a fate Eponine would hate.]
I don’t know what to do, Ma’am. I don’t even know how to find something nice about myself, you know?