[It doesn't take Eponine long to get there. Her eyes are red and blood shot. Her hair is a tangled mess and she looks like she hasn't slept for a week. When Kosem answers the door, Eponine's stood with her arms around her thin frame, shaking uncontrollably.]
I didn't know who else to go to. I didn't know what to do. I - I don't know what to do.
[She looks hopeless.] I'm sorry. I don't mean - and you're busy I know, but there ain't no one else and please - please help me because I don't know what to do.
Come in. [She ushered Eponine in, leading her to and then helping her onto the couch. There was a quick stroke to her hair before Kosem poured a glass of wine, offering it out to her. Something to at least try and help calm her.
Sitting next to her, Kosem watched her with concern.] You know that you are welcome here when you wish it.
[For once in her life, Eponine refuses the wine offered to her. It's the first time in years that she's not taken a drink but she needs to be completely sober for this.]
I'm not normal, you know?
[Of course Kosem must know. Eponine's an imbecile, an idiot, a strange oddity that stands out a mile. Of course Kosem knows it.]
I thought if I had a pretty dress and had a brush for my hair and that. I thought if I had the same, I'd fit in and people would like me. But nobody likes me. Even Mr Greyson hates me. Everyone hates me. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be normal.
[She sighed, watching Eponine with gentle eyes. She did know it, but not in the way that Eponine thought. There were suggestions, ways to help her, but it didn't seem like the time to offer that. Not yet.]
It's not that you aren't normal, Eponine. You're so angry and I know it hurts you.
[It lead her to lash out and push others away.]
You can be happy here, if you want it. You don't have to be happy for anyone but yourself. If you truly, truly want to fix things, then I'll help you.
[It comes as a surprise to Eponine that that emotion is suggested. Perhaps she is angry? Maybe she's always been angry? Eponine doesn't know.]
I'm... sad? Tired? I am, Miss. Tired. I am so tired of fighting. But what does it matter whether I am tired or not? Everything is a fight, a battle. Everything is hateful, for I hate myself. But you know?
[She shifts, curling her legs under her on the sofa.]
What is worse is knowing that you ain't good enough, that you will never be good enough. And Miss, I am so, so tired of not being good enough for no one.
There is anger. It's that you see everything as a fight. Not everyone is an adversary. Some can be kind.
[She really wants Eponine to see that. It would be a step, a big step.]
I know do, I know you are. I've seen how tired you are, but I can't help you until you want it.
[She pressed her fingers to her temples, feeling a bit of pressure.]
You can be good enough for someone and it will matter more than being good enough for anyone else. Eponine, you are always looking outward when you should be looking inward. You hate yourself, but you don't have to.
Because everything has always been a fight. Everything, from where we sleep to what we eat to how I dress. Always, always there has been a big fight. And here?
[Eponine shrugs miserably.] As soon as I come, I am not good enough. They tattoo me the ugly line, which is bad enough. But you know Mr. Roman? He tells me 'ew', that he has to fix my teeth and my face and my hair and my clothes. Miss Blair says I have no sense of clothes, and she is rude. Kate and Daphne think I am dreadful for a life I have lived - a life I have been forced to live. As if I would choose it! No! And Mr Greyson, he wants me changed too.And he shouts that I don't.
[She bites her lip.] Mr Greyson might like me if I change. Blair might like me if I am like her. Roman would have me when I'm pretty. And Miss Kate would perhaps like me if I could keep my mouth closed. Don't you see? Everyone wants me changed. No one likes just me. They like me when I am different.
[She has nothing to say about the fight. She understands that and it seems it's deeply ingrained in her, which is a pity. It isn't easy to change and she isn't sure that's something she has a right to approach.]
I know that upsets you. [Which is fair in regards to some.] I think that some are genuine in the wish to help you. I know that you sometimes express a wish to be similar, so they are acting on that.
If it doesn't make you happy, break away.
That's my point, Eponine. If you like yourself first and care more for liking yourself, others will respond to you differently.
He didn’t even give me a chance before he wants me changed. He let me think I loved him and he loves me.
[Eponine’s fingers go to her neck, to where Greyson has been biting.]
He hates me. He hates me because I can’t do it. He loves beautiful women, not me. Me, I find myself another toy for a man to play.
[Eponine sighs]
I don’t know how to like myself. It is hard, you know? When you’ve been called scum and bitch and cunt as long as you remember. When you’ve been beaten and ignored and forgotten and hurt for so long. How can I love myself when all I see is a lying, ugly cunt?
It takes time, unfortunately. It's not something that will come easy and there will be times that you feel as if you're not getting anywhere. You have to keep trying until eventually, the idea of loving yourself becomes more natural.
[This place wasn't going to make it easier, since Eponine wanted to be loved and the basic nature of this place was encounters without feelings.]
I think you are capable of change, but only change that you want.
[There's so much fear in Eponine's voice. She knows how much she's messed up but she doesn't really understand why Greyson was so cross with her. She knows she must change but she honestly doesn't understand how. She wants to make choices but every choice she's ever made of her own free will has been the wrong one. Eponine wants so desperately to fit in that she's actually scared of making mistakes and getting it wrong again.]
I don't know how to turn off the voices. They are so loud, Ma'am. I'm not being difficult, truly I don't mean to be, Ma'am, but I don't know how. I don't know none of this. What if I'm wrong? What if I make the wrong decision? Ma'am, I don't know how to do what you ask. Please don't be cross with me. I'm sorry, so, so sorry Ma'am. I don't mean to be bad. I am sorry.
That's not really uncommon. It takes awhile for us to know what we want.
[Fear had to be faced, though it was easier to say that than actually manage. It sometimes took the worst happening to remove fear, not something she was sure should happen to Eponine. She was already at her lowest. This was progress.]
You're not bad for feeling this way, Eponine. That's a natural response. You're going to make mistakes and choose wrong, but it's what you do afterwards that matters. If you keep trying, even after the mistake, you'll be the better for it.
[She could tell Kosem about the mistake she’s quite sure she’s making in blackmailing Kate or in stealing Daphne’s jewels… but she can’t. She knows Kosem will be furious with her. Her dominant might even march her off to the People Zoo herself, a fate Eponine would hate.]
I don’t know what to do, Ma’am. I don’t even know how to find something nice about myself, you know?
Kosem's gift, a lovely necklace, is delivered in a green gift box with an elaborate gold bow. There is a card attached that reads: "Happy Christmas, dear Sultana. Perhaps I could assist you in wearing this trinket and only this trinket. - J"
[She's overwhelmed. Not only is it similar to her tastes, it is her favorite color. The only regret she has is it reminds her of the earrings Ahmed had given her before his death. Only briefly does she think how well it would go with the earrings.
She'd reflect over that later, focusing more on the invitation.]
[Seg doesn't take particularly spicy photos. But people have managed to convince him that there's a way to be subtle and classy but still attractive about it, so he's learning. It's a picture of one tantalizingly bare leg and hip -- obviously the good leg, with the bad leg and private parts notably covered up by a sheet.]
[She's starting to get used to these sorts of things. Given she's embarrassed herself by bickering with the wrong person through misfire, she suspects that's what this is. This might be the first photo she's been sent by someone.]
[With her username appearing intact, it's much easier and quicker to realize his mistake. Not the most embarrassing person who could end up with his partial nude, at least.]
Forgive me, my lady. The devices are at their tricks again. But I'm glad you enjoyed it, nevertheless.
[ a video is sent of a shirtless and wet Jefferson. it appears to be the moment he's just stepped out of the shower. he grins at the screen as his hand travels down his stomach and disappears off the edge of the screen. ]
I can assure you that my hand is nothing compared to your mouth.
[She rarely receives any messages or images, so this was enough of an indicator that it was a mistake. She wouldn't deny it was nice to receive something like this.]
It's possible the device thought that you should share it with more people?
[He does feel a little anxiety, still, over being intimate with new partners. But months in Duplicity with nary a negative reaction to his injuries have made it easier than it once was, and he's already mentioned them to her at least in broad terms, so he doesn't think this is going to suddenly turn to disgust.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Eponine sounds quiet, exhausted even.]
I know... I know I've been bad. But
[There's a pause as Eponine stifles her tears.]
Can you help me?
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What is it?
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I didn't know who else to go to. I didn't know what to do. I - I don't know what to do.
[She looks hopeless.] I'm sorry. I don't mean - and you're busy I know, but there ain't no one else and please - please help me because I don't know what to do.
text; un - hattrick
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Sitting next to her, Kosem watched her with concern.] You know that you are welcome here when you wish it.
What happened?
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I'm not normal, you know?
[Of course Kosem must know. Eponine's an imbecile, an idiot, a strange oddity that stands out a mile. Of course Kosem knows it.]
I thought if I had a pretty dress and had a brush for my hair and that. I thought if I had the same, I'd fit in and people would like me. But nobody likes me. Even Mr Greyson hates me. Everyone hates me. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be normal.
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It's not that you aren't normal, Eponine. You're so angry and I know it hurts you.
[It lead her to lash out and push others away.]
You can be happy here, if you want it. You don't have to be happy for anyone but yourself. If you truly, truly want to fix things, then I'll help you.
But it can only be if it's for yourself.
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[It comes as a surprise to Eponine that that emotion is suggested. Perhaps she is angry? Maybe she's always been angry? Eponine doesn't know.]
I'm... sad? Tired? I am, Miss. Tired. I am so tired of fighting. But what does it matter whether I am tired or not? Everything is a fight, a battle. Everything is hateful, for I hate myself. But you know?
[She shifts, curling her legs under her on the sofa.]
What is worse is knowing that you ain't good enough, that you will never be good enough. And Miss, I am so, so tired of not being good enough for no one.
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[She really wants Eponine to see that. It would be a step, a big step.]
I know do, I know you are. I've seen how tired you are, but I can't help you until you want it.
[She pressed her fingers to her temples, feeling a bit of pressure.]
You can be good enough for someone and it will matter more than being good enough for anyone else. Eponine, you are always looking outward when you should be looking inward. You hate yourself, but you don't have to.
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[Eponine shrugs miserably.] As soon as I come, I am not good enough. They tattoo me the ugly line, which is bad enough. But you know Mr. Roman? He tells me 'ew', that he has to fix my teeth and my face and my hair and my clothes. Miss Blair says I have no sense of clothes, and she is rude. Kate and Daphne think I am dreadful for a life I have lived - a life I have been forced to live. As if I would choose it! No! And Mr Greyson, he wants me changed too.And he shouts that I don't.
[She bites her lip.] Mr Greyson might like me if I change. Blair might like me if I am like her. Roman would have me when I'm pretty. And Miss Kate would perhaps like me if I could keep my mouth closed. Don't you see? Everyone wants me changed. No one likes just me. They like me when I am different.
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I know that upsets you. [Which is fair in regards to some.] I think that some are genuine in the wish to help you. I know that you sometimes express a wish to be similar, so they are acting on that.
If it doesn't make you happy, break away.
That's my point, Eponine. If you like yourself first and care more for liking yourself, others will respond to you differently.
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I will never say no to delicious food with, what I believe will be, lovely company.
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I'll be sure to spoil you then.
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[Eponine’s fingers go to her neck, to where Greyson has been biting.]
He hates me. He hates me because I can’t do it. He loves beautiful women, not me. Me, I find myself another toy for a man to play.
[Eponine sighs]
I don’t know how to like myself. It is hard, you know? When you’ve been called scum and bitch and cunt as long as you remember. When you’ve been beaten and ignored and forgotten and hurt for so long. How can I love myself when all I see is a lying, ugly cunt?
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[This place wasn't going to make it easier, since Eponine wanted to be loved and the basic nature of this place was encounters without feelings.]
I think you are capable of change, but only change that you want.
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[Eponine feels so lost and small and insignificant. Love - real love, and not just fairytales and stories - is a completely foreign concept to her.]
What does it feel like, Kosem? Real love and not pretending? What is it like?
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[It was hard to put to words what love felt like, but it was a start.]
I'll help you, however I can. You decide what you want, that's important.
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[There's so much fear in Eponine's voice. She knows how much she's messed up but she doesn't really understand why Greyson was so cross with her. She knows she must change but she honestly doesn't understand how. She wants to make choices but every choice she's ever made of her own free will has been the wrong one. Eponine wants so desperately to fit in that she's actually scared of making mistakes and getting it wrong again.]
I don't know how to turn off the voices. They are so loud, Ma'am. I'm not being difficult, truly I don't mean to be, Ma'am, but I don't know how. I don't know none of this. What if I'm wrong? What if I make the wrong decision? Ma'am, I don't know how to do what you ask. Please don't be cross with me. I'm sorry, so, so sorry Ma'am. I don't mean to be bad. I am sorry.
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[Fear had to be faced, though it was easier to say that than actually manage. It sometimes took the worst happening to remove fear, not something she was sure should happen to Eponine. She was already at her lowest. This was progress.]
You're not bad for feeling this way, Eponine. That's a natural response. You're going to make mistakes and choose wrong, but it's what you do afterwards that matters. If you keep trying, even after the mistake, you'll be the better for it.
I've made my own.
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[She could tell Kosem about the mistake she’s quite sure she’s making in blackmailing Kate or in stealing Daphne’s jewels… but she can’t. She knows Kosem will be furious with her. Her dominant might even march her off to the People Zoo herself, a fate Eponine would hate.]
I don’t know what to do, Ma’am. I don’t even know how to find something nice about myself, you know?
@diamond, backdated before coma/event.
May I ask when your next day is off?
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I have taken on a great deal.
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Perhaps, if you are obliging, we might promenade to the autumn market together after your charity work? The weather is much more tolerable these days.
delivery; backdated to 12/25
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She'd reflect over that later, focusing more on the invitation.]
I will be waiting and happy to oblige.
text; un: ASS; misfire plot
Good morning.
text; un: sultan
It looks as if it must be.
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Forgive me, my lady. The devices are at their tricks again. But I'm glad you enjoyed it, nevertheless.
video; @TheHornyHatterXxX [misfire plot]
I can assure you that my hand is nothing compared to your mouth.
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It's possible the device thought that you should share it with more people?
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I may look at it more than once.
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Perhaps one day you will see such a sight in person.
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You are raising my hopes.
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[He does feel a little anxiety, still, over being intimate with new partners. But months in Duplicity with nary a negative reaction to his injuries have made it easier than it once was, and he's already mentioned them to her at least in broad terms, so he doesn't think this is going to suddenly turn to disgust.]